If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
