i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
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St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
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Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
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