If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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