Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
