ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I checked into jail on foursquare
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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