dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
My dick has a subreddit
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
