i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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