just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
