Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
