I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
