Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
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I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
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You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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