the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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