Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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