so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
