Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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