I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
