Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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