I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
