guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
