I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
