i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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