ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
