and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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