If i come over, it means nothing
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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