So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
You smell like stripper and shame
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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