Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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