tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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