I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
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