On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
