And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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