I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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