New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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