Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
