Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
