I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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