I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
