can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
