Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
