I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
