I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
