How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
