I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
