you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
