he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
