the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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