Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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