Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
