apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
