I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
