Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
