allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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