She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
