Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Randomize
