I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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