we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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